Finding Freedom

Let me tell you a bit about myself...

A few weeks before my Hawai`i trip, I was in the worst place mentally and emotionally. A dark place a person should never encounter. The removal of my existence seemed like the only option, to please everyone. I have fought the demons, struggles, and disappointments to only fail time and time again. Nothing satisfied. Everyone around me formed a cave and pushed me into this corner. The last time I was here, I left a failed abusive marriage.

Dating life, after marriage, was horrible and continues to be. Home and co-parent life are miserable and resentful. If I tried to breathe on my own, I would be taken off the support of others, who claim I owe them. My breath and my voice means nothing anymore. I would rather be non-existent than struggle through another day of emotional pain and thoughts.

My face no longer gleamed of brightness, my body shriveled up, and everything seemed forced. Forced to smile and forced to eat. I would hit the gym twice a day on an empty stomach and throw up whatever my body could scrap together from the exhaustion. This became my normal.

Anxiety and panic attacks, that were once gone, returned stronger. I couldn't converse with family or the ex-husband without panic attacks and pressure in my chest. Alcohol was the only way I could have a simple conversation. A person can only grasp onto so much negativity until you want to explode. "You are a disappointment." Or as my mother said, 'You are pathetic." So, my pathetic self went down the rabbit hole and lost all hope of returning.

My children are the only freshness of air. Love, smiles, and laughter come out naturally each time we are together. I don't want to let go of forever hugs, kisses and giggles. It holds the pieces of me together. My happiness is being with them. I love them too much to let pain win.

Once apart, my world would darken. A life without me would be a lifetime of unanswered questions and emptiness for them. I breathe for them only. I live for them only.

I booked Hawai`i months before I told anyone. To those around me, little to none information is better than a lecture of how I failed as a human. The reason? I was told to go. At church each Sunday, I would pray for healing. God paved the path for this month long vacation. In prayer group, I gave all my struggles to Jesus. I saw an email advertising Hawai`i flight savings. They were incredible. My finances were organized. And all the overtime and vacation from work made it possible to take the time off. My best friend welcomed me to the island and her home. It fall fell into place perfectly. Most importantly, my children would always be cared for. So despite everyone's approval, opinions, and advice, I left... terrified. I left without support or words of 'be safe, I love you.' I left unsure my heavy thoughts would make this my final destination.

I left alone.

XO - R. Mae